This post is both for pregnant people who receive these comments and for those who know someone who is pregnant and may be tempted to make some of these comments.
People like to talk and comment and feel important in other people’s lives. For some reason, people think that pregnant women are the perfect candidate for validation. So they comment and question and give opinions nonstop. Which isn’t a bed thing in itself, but sometimes building a baby with your body makes a person slightly more sensitive than otherwise.
Some things to know about me and my pregnancy as I get into some of these comments. First, I am young and I look it. I am 22 years old and I look like my 17-year-old sister’s twin. I’ve always surprised people by being older than I look. 22 is young on its own, without looking like a graduating high school student. Second, my husband and I have only been married for a little over a year. This baby came fast. Third, I work in healthcare. I talk with lots and lots of people every day as I greet them and bring them back to exam rooms. Lots of those people ask lots of questions because they feel like they know me, despite not having any interaction outside of my job. Not necessarily a bad thing, but a thing that happens nonetheless. Fourth, I am carrying all of my belly and pregnancy weight in front of me. My bump “popped” around week 15 or 16, so I look almost ready to pop, despite having two months or so to go.
I’m going to list some of the most common questions and comments that I get and how I feel about them. I’m also going to be very realistic and not exaggerate any of these remarks. Yes, real people said all of these in this way.
ARE YOU HAVING A BOY OR A GIRL?
Oh, I get this question daily. And when I tell the kind stranger that we didn’t find out the sex of our baby, I then either get encouraged or lectured. Some people think our decision is awesome and amazing and they say “Good for you!” And then other people launch into a lecture/guilt trip about me being unprepared for the baby and how it’s selfish of me to not tell my family when all they want to do is support me.
In response, I usually just reassure them that I am happy with our decision and that boy or girl, I’ll love my baby the same. And that’s how I feel. I wouldn’t love my baby more or less if I knew whether he or she is a he or a she, so I don’t understand why not knowing the sex is such a big deal to everyone that isn’t carrying this baby inside of them.
OH, I HOPE YOUR LABOR GOES BETTER THAN MINE BECAUSE WHEN I HAD MY BABY…
For some reason, women who had a traumatic, scary, out-of-the-norm labor like to share their story with first time moms who are soon approaching their due date. I cannot tell you all of the stories of two day long labors following by C-sections or of undiagnosed twins or of babies coming early and ending up in the NICU for weeks that I have been told. Too many.
Let me just say this: if you had a scary or traumatic labor, the young, anxious, pregnant, almost-mom does NOT need to hear your story. It is not helpful, it is not comforting, and it is not enjoyable. All those stories do is create stress and anxiety for someone who already has enough to worry about. If you must, tell those types of stories after mom has made it through the birth and has her healthy baby in her arms.
WOW YOU’RE HUGE! YOU MUST BE DUE SOON!
No one is more aware of how large mom-to-be is than the mom-to-be. She has to try and dress her ever growing tummy every single day. I’ve been getting this comment for a month or so and I still have two months to go. Instead, try a comment like, “You’re looking so good!” or “You look terrific!”
Now, personally, I love my bump and I’m confident in the way I look pregnant. There are those women out there who don’t love it or don’t have a lot of confidence in their current appearance. So build them up. They’re building a person with and inside of their body. It’s amazing. Give them some confidence.
WHY ARE YOU STILL WORKING? SHOULDN’T YOU BE ON LEAVE, GETTING READY FOR THAT BABY?
This question is one of those that seems to be quite sensitive and caring. The person asking is aware that you are pregnant and working and that that can be difficult. Sometimes very difficult, depending on the requirements of the job. However, this is my least favorite question to ever be asked. I’m really sensitive about the subject and discussing it usually makes me quite emotional.
I don’t know if people realize this, but asking why an expecting mom why she is still working is an extremely personal question. Moms (and moms-to-be) work for all sorts of reasons. Maybe she is going at this whole parenting thing alone. Maybe she absolutely loves her job and doesn’t want to stop working if she doesn’t have to. Maybe she is the breadwinner for her family and her paychecks are their livelihood. Maybe she only gets four weeks of maternity leave total and wants to save as much of it for after the baby as possible. Maybe her home isn’t a happy place and work is where she gets her joy.
For me, my husband is currently a full-time student in a pretty intense major. I am not in school and my income is what we use to live. To pay our bills and buy food and gasoline. The thought of how we are going to manage without my paychecks during my maternity leave is possibly the most stressful hurdle we have at the moment. So when people say to me, “Why on earth are you still working? Think about the baby!” not only does it bring on the stress and anxiety that’s always in the back of my mind, but it makes me feel like I’m somehow already failing as a mother to my baby. Which I know in my rational brain isn’t true, but my pregnant brain isn’t very rational sometimes. Yes, I am still working. Yes, I will be working until the baby arrives. Yes, I wish my situation was easier, but we are doing the best that we know how for our family and our future.
My point is, it is none of your business why mom is still working. She is, whether out of financial necessity or out of HR requirement or because she wants to. All she needs is support and understanding from the people around her.
HAVE YOU STARTED THINKING OF NAMES? I LIKE…
Colter and I have a short list of boy names and a short list of girl names. We also have a list of names for each that we considered, but ended up vetoing. This second list is the one that I answer people’s name inquiries with. I know that isn’t very honest, but I honestly don’t want people telling me that they don’t like the names that I actually do!
As for name suggestions, I listen politely and make small talk, but I don’t think any of them have made it on the lists.
HAVE YOU FELT THE BABY KICK YET? I STARTED FEELING KICKS AT…
Doctors say that moms can typically feel baby’s first kicks when they are between 18 and 22 weeks along. Some women can feel them earlier and some don’t feel them until after 22 weeks. The important thing is that as long as your doctor isn’t concerned, you shouldn’t be either.
I didn’t start to feel baby kicks until after I had hit my 22 week mark (and I’m pretty sure baby hasn’t stopped moving since). The night I first felt Baby Merrell move was one of the best nights of my life, not only because I loved the feeling, but because I had been so worked up and concerned that I hadn’t felt anything yet. A woman that I see on a regular basis had been asking for weeks if I had felt the baby move yet, telling me that she could feel hers at 14 or 15 weeks, and projecting her concerns onto me that I either wasn’t paying close enough attention to my child or that I wasn’t concerned enough about not feeling kicks. This actually led to me having a bit of a breakdown a couple of days before I recognized kicks, where I laid on the couch and cried because I wanted to feel movement so badly and I felt like I was failing somehow because I hadn’t yet.
Every pregnancy and every mom and every baby is different. Try to take deep breaths and try to not let people get to you.
HOW MUCH WEIGHT HAVE YOU PUT ON?
When I was asked this question, I was shocked. In my opinion, this isn’t a question you should ever ask anyone. But pregnancy is an open invitation to inquiries about mom’s body. Her heartburn, her weight gain, whether she’s puking or pooping regularly all seem to be public topics. It’s weird. But I don’t think that it is going to change anytime soon, so as a warning to all future mamas out there: you no longer have privacy.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO EAT THAT? IT MAY NOT BE GOOD FOR YOUR BABY.
Ha. Haha.
Mom may not actually need to eat for two people, but she does have to eat more food more frequently than regular people. So let her eat in peace. Her diet is as much your business as her weight gain. Which is zero.
The whole point of this post was to say that kindness is always the answer if you are unsure what to say. And if you are sure what to say, but think it may not be 100% kind, then don’t say it. All we need from the people around us (whether we are pregnant or not) is love, support, and a kind word. Judgement can take a hike, if you ask me.
BARREL OF MERRELL'S 
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