Knowing what a new momma needs is tricky, because every momma is different and every newborn baby is different as well. It can also be difficult for that new mom to know what she needs until the need has past and she is thinking in retrospect. That’s where I am now, and thinking back, there are a few things I wish people would have known.
When Calvin was a newborn baby and we were freshly home from the hospital, I had many people checking in and asking what I needed and what they could do to help. I told almost everyone that I was doing fine and that if I thought of anything I needed that I would let them know. And then I never did. It wasn’t that I was trying to shut anyone out or to do everything on my own, I just didn’t know what I needed or what would help until after the fact. Here are some things that I wish I would have know to tell and ask people for when I was a brand new momma. These are things I try to keep in mind as my friends and neighbors have new babies as well.
PLEASE CHECK IN WITH ME EVEN AFTER THE FIRST TWO WEEKS
This was an unexpected hurdle for me. For the first few days into the first two weeks or so, I had lots of friends, family and neighbors checking in on us to see how we were doing. We had meals brought in three or four nights in the first week and lots of calls and texts with well-wishes.
Then everything dwindled off. But, for me, I was riding a high for the first two weeks or so of motherhood. I was so thrilled to finally have had my baby, that the overwhelm and exhaustion hadn’t really hit me yet. By the time it did, I wasn’t being checked on as frequently and it started to feel really isolating. I would recommend that when a family member or friend has a new baby, definitely check in on them in the first couple of weeks, but also set a reminder in your phone for when that new baby is 4 to 6 weeks old to do another check. You may find that momma is much more in need of a visit and some help by that point.
IF YOU WANT TO HOLD MY BABY, COME UP WITH SOMETHING FOR ME TO DO WHILE YOU GET YOUR SNUGGLE TIME
When people would come over to see me, I knew they were dying to see and hold brand new baby Calvin too. The difficult thing for me was that I didn’t know what to do with myself when someone else was holding him. I would start to get antsy to have something to do with my hands and often found myself hovering and wanting to take him back.
It could have been great if my visitors had come prepared with something for me to do while they held my baby. Some suggestions I would give are:
- Bring lunch – coming for a lunch visit can be an awesome tactic. Eat before you come and make or pick up something for mom to have for lunch (text her first!). Then when you come over, you can take the new baby and get some good snuggles in while mom gets to eat a meal with both hands and not have to worry about holding or calming the baby in the middle of the meal
- If there are siblings, bring a new game or toy – sometimes new babies mean that older siblings don’t get as much attention as they crave for a little while. Bringing a new game/toy/activity that mom can do with her older kiddo(s) while you hold the baby can be a great help.
- Suggest mom take a nap, shower, bathroom break, or just change her clothes – I remember trying to figure out what to do with Calvin so I could shower or deal with my postpartum bleeding could mean waiting for an hour or more. Give mom a heads up that you want to come over and allow her to shower while you get some cuddles and I’m sure she’ll appreciate it
- Bring over a movie or TV show to watch together – often visitors create pressure on new moms to “host” them. Bring over a movie, ask to hold the baby, and then just chill for an hour or two.
IF I TELL YOU ABOUT MY PARENTING STRATEGIES, JUST OFFER SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT AS FEEDBACK
Parenting theories when you are a brand new parent are just that…theories. You haven’t had the time or the opportunity to try them out yet. So you have no idea what is going to work and what is going to fail amazingly. But it can be scary to discuss your untried parenting theories with seasoned parents because you don’t want all of your hopes and aspirations to be shot down.
So, don’t shoot down a new parent’s idea of parenting, no matter how silly, fruitless, or hopeless you think it is. Only offer support and encouragement (unless the parenting choice legitimately endangers a child, i.e. choosing not to use a carseat for car travel) to that new parent. They are going to face enough discouragement from their family and the internet and their experiences. So be the supportive friend.
UTILIZE MY HUSBAND TO COORDINATE HELP
I don’t know why people thought that between the person who had recently grown an entire human body, evicted that entire human from their body, and was now nourishing said human with their body day and night and the person who had simply been present for all of that effort, they would choose the former to ask what time dinner should be brought by.
I highly, highly recommend getting in touch with the new mom’s support system (particularly her parenting partner) to coordinate meals and to discover what you can do to help. Colter wishes that people would have used him much more in those early days. He was running around trying to do everything he could to help me and to help Calvin, but no one outside of our family was communicating with him and offering help. All of that management and coordination was left to me, and I was too tired and stretched too thin to do a very good job of it.
Next time we have a baby, I will refer all offers of meals and requests to help over to Colter. He can use his better rested and non-postpartum brain to handle all that. I will be taking a nap.
REMEMBER THAT MY BABY LIVED INSIDE OF ME FOR 9 MONTHS, SO HAVING HIM OUT OF MY ARMS IS A VERY DIFFICULT FEELING RIGHT NOW
When we would go to social and family gatherings, often people would want to hold Calvin. This was expected by me. What I did not expect was 1) how alien it felt to have him farther than a couple of feet from me, and 2) how much the comments of “Momma needs a break from you”, “Your momma gets to see you all the time, it’s someone else’s turn”, and “You don’t need your momma right now” really bothered me (and they still do).
No matter how innocent these comments may feel to you, you don’t know how mom is taking it. That baby was a part of her for the better part of a year. It is natural for her to want to keep her newborn baby safely in her arms at all times. And it’s good for the baby to spend that much time with his/her momma. So keep baby and mom separate for short amounts of time and know that if mom doesn’t want to let anyone else have her baby right now, it isn’t you and she isn’t being selfish. She is just doing the best she can to feel the best she can.
TRY TO ELIMINATE EXTRA WORK FOR ME WITH YOUR VISIT
This suggestion just entails making simple tweaks to your acts of service for new parents.
When you bring a meal, prepare it in dishes that don’t need to be returned to you (disposable is easiest). I also find it thoughtful to bring paper plates and plastic cutlery with you so that there are zero dishes for anyone to do after a meal.
Always make sure to text or call before coming over. I had visitors come by while I was home alone, nursing and uncovered, and trying to answer the door was a circus act. A quick text could have resolved that panic easily.
Immediately ask to wash your hands when you come in. Even if you don’t get a chance to hold the baby, clean hands in the house make for a more restful visit.
Text or call when you arrive. Rather than knocking, you can ask to let yourself in and prevent mom from having to get herself (and potentially baby) up off of the couch just to answer the door and sit back down again.
Those were just a few thoughts that I had as I thought back on my experiences in the first days and weeks of motherhood last year. If you have any other suggestions you would offer, I would love to hear them in the comments section or over on Instagram!
BARREL OF MERRELL'S 
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